Keeping Sexually Active During the Pandemic
(a totally satirical bit of advice)
by Steven Alan Green
The world has always been divided into the haves and the have-nots; and that applies to romance.
Think on it this way. Before the alarm bells of pandemic and quarantine were rung, there were those of us who had partners and those of us who did not. And, within that group, there are those with partners who live separately and those who live together. And, within that group, there are those who live together who are happy as a clam and those who are constantly plotting mutual murder and wondering if human flesh conflicts with a particular lifestyle if your now departed betrothed was a vegan.
The equation always seems to come down to one thing. Sex. In a time of immense stress and uncertainty, in a world where all daily amusements such as nightclubs, restaurants, and bars have all been but vanquished from the planet, the only safe place to meet a new potential sex partner is online. So, how does online dating (and the subsequent required consensual sex) work in the age of Covid? It goes something like this. A recent university study conducted last year concluded that 67% of all male adults would be willing to have sex with a stranger they just met, as compared to 92% of all female adults who would rather down a Gimlet or two, snap a few mental polaroids, climb back into bed and fantasize they were floating on the rings of Saturn with Bruno Mars. Since the pandemic, that formula has inverted, with the majority of men (82%) saying they would rather shout rude things at random women from their passing car and then go home and have a wank on the couch while watching the local 5 o’clock traffic report. Interestingly enough, within that downgrade, it is Hollywood screenwriters who apparently (self-conscious ahem) are the most sexually independent, simply because they can easily and tidily write a scene where they are being jumped by any number of famous bare-breasted beauties. (author’s note: I’ve only heard about this phenomenon and am certainly not personally promulgating it!)
The great thing about Zoom is that if you can get your partner to only reveal your faces, you’re in a much better position as a male, to finish early “below the desk”, as it were, but still keep dancing, if you know what I mean.
The fact is, as a society, America has always been, not just sexually repressed, but indeed sexually backwards. Another study by the Pepé Le Pew Society drew the conclusion that, given the choice, 99% of adult males would rather lay back and be seen to by a professional, than having to get dressed and go on an actual date. But, thanks to technology, it is now possible to have literally virtual sex with any willing participant in the world. Phone sex is one thing, but when you can literally see the results of your endeavors, it can be much more satisfying than just orally. However. One must be cautious, as there are a few pointers, recommended by the American Healthy Sexual Attitude Board, I’d like to impart, for all you potential lovers out there.
Number One:
We all know how things can get lost in the shuffle sometimes. So, please be super-aware that your Zoom date actually wants to have Zoom sex with you in the first place. No cheating. No “pulling a Toobin”.
Number Two:
Never ever finish first on a Zoom sex session. Or at least appear to be. The great thing about Zoom is that if you can get your partner to agree to only reveal your faces, you’re in a much better position as a male, to finish early “below the desk”, as it were, but still keep dancing, if you know what I mean.
Number Three:
Sexting with your sex partner, whilst already sex-Zooming with another is strictly verboten! Never ever, use two different types of social media communication whilst committing cyber-coitus. Unless, of course, you have Climax Waiting.
So, whatever your choice of suffering is, remember, sex is a healthy part of the American diet, but so is staying alive. So, if you’re single, or just hate your live-in partner’s guts to no end, remember, self love is a preeminent precept of self-care.
Stay safe (and horny) out there.
